Gym etiquette for idiots. Top 10 things not to do.

I am by no means a fitness fanatic. I don’t love working out, I do it because I have to. If you read my “Why diets don’t work for me”  blog you know why I have to go and why I must go 5 days a week despite my body’s constant plea for an after work couch nap.

The wife and I love our new gym; it’s old, young, fat, thin, gay, straight, whatever friendly, which I absolutely love. The problem is not the gym itself or even the people, it’s what members of said gym think is totally acceptable behavior.

Here are my top 10 things not to do during your workout. I affectionately call this list gym etiquette for idiots.

1. It’s awesome how you can do 12 sets of 100 reps on the bicep curl machine. Honestly. Super impressive. Seriously though some of us might like to work on our arm flab while we are still young. Get your reps in like a normal person and get the hell off.

2. You’re here to work out not play the Dating Game. That goes for the ladies and the gentlemen. I repeat, you are not here to pick up a date. Do not make eyes across the free weights, you could hurt yourself.

3. We all like our jam. Maybe you’re into some ’90s rock or maybe you heart T. Swift. Whatever your preference please for the love of Kanye keep in mind you’re not on American idol. Stop singing. Stop it now.

4. Coffee houses are great for socializing. Gyms and classes at the gym are for working on your fitness. If you want to gab let’s grab coffee after we finish here. Otherwise, don’t talk to me. Clearly I’m out of shape and out of breath.

5. Grunting. I’m not even going to say anymore about this. There might be a time and place but the gym isn’t it.

6. Fitness attire. Why must we make this so complicated? Why with all the complicated options why would anyone wear spandex?

Ladies, leggings are not pants. You can’t wear leggings and a top which comes to your waist band and expect we won’t see more than just your panty line. Once seen we can never unsee it. Put on some real pants.

Gentlemen, I know it gets warm in there but please keep your shorts long. By long I mean with enough length so that the only balls you’re bouncing are the ones on the court. Nobody wants to see that.

7. Mirrors. Some people don’t use them at all (see point #6) and some abuse them. They are there so you can be in proper form. They are not there to check out your newly formed abs. Put your shirt back down and move that egotistical observation to the locker rooms.

8. PDA couples. Love is awesome. Truly. I am so excited for love and being in love that it propels me to be a better me, for her. I do not however express my fondness for her or her body in the gym for all to witness. Yes, we encourage each other. No not with a slap to the ass. Not with a make out session on the weight bench. Not any of that. That is not ok. Stop touching each other.

9. Naked. We all at some point have changed our clothes or taken a shower in the locker room. That is exactly what it’s designed for. Here is the tricky part; no one wants to see your fleshy, flabby parts swaying around. Nobody wants to see mine either which is why it is imperative we all just grab a towel or hustle those wardrobe changes. Just because we are all the same sex doesn’t mean I don’t mind to see your body bits. I most certainly do not want to see you in the nude.

10. This one is the big one. If you are anything at all human you are going to sweat. Maybe a little, maybe in buckets. It’s going to get on the machines and it’s going to get on the seats. Have you ever walked up to a machine with a wet ass print? If you haven’t you’re lucky. If you have then you know how important it is to clean up after yourself. After all we are here to get healthy, not spread our germ juices all over the gym. Wipe the damn thing down after you finish.

I promise that by avoiding these things people will think much less about how much of an asshole you are.

Now go workout. You can thank me later.

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