It’s been a long time. I know. A really long time. A lot has happened since I last checked in.
The last 8 months or so are sort of a blur … I wish I could erase them completely but to do so would erase those life lessons.
We all must learn our lessons. Right?
- Quick recap: diagnosed with deadly cancer, got cancer removed, received the all clear / I’m not dying diagnosis, disowned family member died, part of me died with her, Christmas in customer service, lost my mind, lost my job, found a new better paying job, hated new better paying job, lost my mind again, quit new better paying job, found a new job I hope to love, took a quick break from reality / fuck it let’s go to the beach for a 9 day break.
Here we are now, fresh and tan and ready to start again. Me, myself and I that is. Back to myself . Back to what I love and who I love.
They say you aren’t yourself when you’re hungry. True, very true. You also aren’t yourself when you’re depressed. Trust me a Snickers bar is not going to cut it. No matter how many you eat.
I took the long, very quiet road back to sanity and I’m still struggling most days. It’s hot and it’s cold, it’s black and it’s white … or maybe it’s a Katy Perry song … I don’t know anymore. I can tell you with certainty that it is mostly a lonely, private party for one.
Like most who struggle with depression and anxiety we stay private for fear of judgement. Things like “shes so strong, how could this happen” and strange unwanted and uninvited advice like “shake it off” are not helpful … let me just be clear that those suffering aren’t wearing an extra coat. There is nothing to shake off. We are not extras in a Taylor Swift video.
There is no magic phrase from helpful friends, family and strangers well meaning that will wake us up from the fog or soothe the sleepless nights of worries.
I know many people struggle with episodes in life where nothing is easy and even getting out of bed or taking a shower seems impossible.
This first back to reality blog is for those people. I know your darkness. For the ones who think it will never get better. I urge you to get out of bed. Take a shower. Talk to your friends. If you have no friends talk to a trusted person in your community.
Do not sit alone and let your thoughts consume you. Know you are not defined by your temporary life crisis.
You are not worthless.
You are not a burden.
Find the therapy that serves you. Maybe conventional one on one counseling is healing for you as it is for many.
Maybe your therapy is meditation and yoga. Sid you know there is such thing as kitten yoga? Baby goat yoga?? Wine yoga???
Maybe like me you need a combination of all those things plus medication and a change of scenery to clear your mind.
I am not ashamed. Neither should you be. Seek the healing you need.
A few of my most treasured souls have been allowed in and have been amazingly supportive. However my personal favorite therapy is running away. I love vacations. I needed this one so badly it physically hurt. My vacation photos do not have fake smiles, my laughter was real and long over due. Am I cured? No. Do I feel like writing again and is the the taste of chocolate so much sweeter? Yes.
You are not alone. It does get better. Peace, love and wine yoga my friends.