I tried one of those paper beauty mask things and here’s what happened…

I am a very happy subscriber to a little thing called ipsy. Every month I pay $10 and some change and they send me a bag of surprises.. random girly goodies. I dig it.

A month or so ago I received a couple of these paper, face shaped mask things that you open and just kinda … paste to your face. Like a smear on mask without all the work. This seems interesting to me and since there are 2 I decide maybe we can do a mini spa day at home.

Fast forward: we’ve been so busy these packages have been left to get dusty. So today since I’m home I opened one and hid the other. She didn’t need one anyway.

I put it on. It smells nice. It’s kinda cool feeling. I look like a monster.

All is well and I park myself on the sofa, pillow under my head and settle in to rest in silence.

Silence for all of 3 of my 20 minute mask plan.

The dogs start barking. If I dare yell at them my Zen like face paper would fall off and be more like a dog hair and dirt wipe. I sit as still as possible and snap a selfie. I just want to make sure the dirty looks I was throwing the mutts didn’t kink my beauty treatment.

All seems well. It slid a little so I could only partially see out of one eye.

I text the wife. She tells me she’s suspended in the air and they have to come rescue her off the warehouse lift. My Zen like plan is turning more and more into a freak show. The horror of this settles into my forehead causing the paper to crease. There goes any hope for vanishing wrinkles.

10 minutes in. The paper is starting to dry and shrink. I can feel it pinching under my nose and over that partially covered eye. I take amother selfie to see the progress. Not good but I still don’t dare to move. I’ve got 10 more minutes to keep this thing sorta on.

15 minutes in. Things get a bit more uncomfortable. I wonder who thought of this. What made someone think of such a thing? I wonder what the dogs were barking about. Is there someone in the house right now and I don’t know because I refuse to lift my head? I wonder if the wife was ever rescued. I wonder how much life insurance we have. I wonder what it would be like to have a real security team and be rich enough to someone do facials for me everyday from the comfort of my home.

I realize I’m starting to get delusional. Probably from the lack of oxygen. My nostril holes shrank a bit and I can’t see out of that one eye so I’m not sure if it’s safe to open my mouth. Good thing time is up.

I peel it gently off, once it’s dry it’s apparently not moving on it’s own. My skin feels nice I guess. I’m not sure about these paper beauty mask things but I’ll keep the other mask hidden so I can try again later. You know … to make a firm decision.

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