Guess who decided to throw an impromptu party?

It was a typical Tuesday and I was feeling a little stuffy and stuck in a weekday slump. I must have temporarily lost my mind because I decided to have a bonfire party at our house … this Friday. Seemed easy enough, I will buy some beer and chips and invite some people out.

Nothing is ever that simple. Not in my world. I have no idea what kind of fog I was walking around in and now that I’m awake and it’s Friday a.k.a. “we are partying at your house tonight, right?” I am just a bit concerned.

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I needed this … yesterday.

I pre-party shopped last night, the night before my event. That was a first. I am always on top of these things. I am always a great hostess. I always think these things through with lists and check marks and real thought. Not this time.

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Everytime.

Although I hated it I handled that Wal-Mart cart, at 9 pm on a work night, like a boss. Narrowly avoiding free running children, detouring isle blockage, and dodging wild eyed class moms with cart loads of birthday cupcakes. I should get an award for making it out alive.

This is not my thing.

If I must shop the Wally I do it at 2 am on a Saturday with like 5 other people who are not interested in chit chat. Get your crap and get out kinda people. My people. I am not the week night last minute I’ve put it off so long I have to do it now with everyone else who is a procrastinator.

Except this week.

I think I covered all the essentials; I got the beer in 3 brands, an assortment of 2 liters, wine, chips, veggies, hummus, dips, a cheese and cracker assortment and stuff for the kids to make s’mores.

What I didn’t consider was a sheet to cover every pile of embarrassing clutter in my entire house. I am still wondering how much time it would take to buy enough covering to make my house look like one of those old abandoned houses in movies.

Or If I have enough time to hire someone to27fdae9b766b5bc20bdabc8b75571559 come clean up the house before anyone arrives tonight.

Or if I should cancel altogether. I could just drink the wine and eat my cheese plate alone.

I might even have enough beer to last us a few weeks. It might be totally fine.

We will probably spend all our time laughing and enjoying company around the bonfire.

My guests will probably not be attacked by dust bunnies.

What I didn’t consider was a sheet to cover every pile of embarrassing clutter in my entire house. I am still wondering how much time it would take to buy enough covering to make my house look like one of those old houses in movies. Or If I have enough time to hire someone to come clean up the house before anyone arrives tonight. Or if I should cancel altogether and drink and eat my cheese plate alone.

I will probably not be harshly judged on my lack of Martha Stewart level living. Probably.
fbb21528abf93b53f3a22f45589c0417 At any rate we have plenty of beer, if anyone starts looking scared I will just offer them another and a cracker from the cheese plate. I’ve got this. If I pull this off it will be a miracle.

A hostess with the mostest miracle.

This should answer your questions …

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My stats because everyone seems to to want to know:

Age: Old enough to know better.

  • 30 something

Marital Status: Married.

  • Happily

Sex: Yes please.

  • Female

Sexual Orientation: None of your business!

  • Lesbian

Kids: Yes. Yes, from my womb.

  • a girl and a boy who live at home and eat all my food

Pets: Yes.

  • Dogs. 2 pits, 1 precious mini dachshund  and 1 asshole poodle schnauzer mix
  • Cats. 2 or 3 or 7 I don’t know anymore. We live in the woods and they just show up for kitty kibble.
  • Fish. Indoor and out. Plus a desk fish – because every office needs one.

Diet: Sometimes.

  • Rich in carbohydrates, beer and sugar

Location: Mountains.

  • Western North Carolina for work, Eastern NC, SC, FL for play. Unless you have a beach house elsewhere then we should be friends. I need more friends with beach houses. Or a friend with a beach house. Whatever.

Occupation: Management level calmer downer and advocate of your e-commerce experience at large

  • I don’t know what that means either. No day is ever the same.
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Naturally.

Why dieting doesn’t work for me

Catchy title don’t you think? It’s the absolute truth. Also true is that I need to drop some weight, a lot of weight. Marriage has this way of sneaking up and making you all warm and comfortable.  Before you know it you gained 30 pounds and even your fat jeans don’t fit. Damn it.

We joined a new gym recently diet_c_161076and I’ve been getting my tan on. I feel better than I did hiding under my winter wardrobe and I’m excited about the progress to summers sundresses.  However, it’s and slow and sometimes it’s a painful process. I’m dedicated to 5 days a week for cardio and I’m making healthier lunch choices most days. Yay me!

That is except for one little thing. This is where the “diets don’t work for me” thing comes in. French fry Fridays, the best thing to happen to my work week besides 6 o’clock everyday. I can’t seem to completely kick this fast food habit. Even when I’m sick of the choices within my lunch hour distance I still eat it. Even when my cute little dresses call to me from the closet and mock my thick thighs. I still drive thru.

I’ve decided that being healthy should be my goal. Not a diet until x pounds are gone. I just have to be ok to go over my calories for one day a week. Some might argue I’m also shortening my lifespan but Jack in the Box and I have a love affair that not even summer dresses can come between. Until salads taste like burgers there will be french fry Fridays.

Life is too short for diets. They don’t work for me anyway.f_f8009b635c

If you have some great tips send them my way. I’m all ears (or hips … whatever!)