Almost there … 

Tomorrow morning is (fingers crossed) the final surgery and I am cancer free.

Tonight though real life is being lived. I am a mom, a wife and my family needs dinner. I began by throwing some chicken pieces in a shallow roasting pan and setting the convection oven to slow cook those bird bits to perfection.

I then snuck off and flopped onto my bed. I snuggled into my pile blankets, called my dogs to join and then began to browse the internet. I will need stuff to keep me occupied this week while I recover and this seemed like a good time to get some ideas.

Typical end the weekend stuff.

Only not so much.

The wife came in and belly flopped beside me. I love her but she has some serious bull in a china shop mannerisms. She landed sticking her chin directly into a rib. She says she heard a noise, I just felt the pain. I ignored her for the most part and continued to browse, pretending not to notice her or the now sharp pain in my upper abdominal area.

She grew bored and demanded attention again … about 10 minutes later. This time she tries to pull me away from my browsing with a little story.

She says that before she came in she “smelled something burning” checked the upper oven, nothing in there, checked the bottom. Just then “a poof of smoke came out” at her but since she “didn’t see fire” she thought it was fine.

She thought it was fine. 

I looked away from my phone for the first time with terror in my eyes. I envisioned my oven engulfed in flames and my kitchen filled with thick smoke which would certainly kill us all.

She didn’t even move.

I started to flail, throwing blankets and attempting without much sucess to get up from the canine restrictions currently imposed on my legs.

I got to the door and the smell was clearly something burning, but it was much more than that. Think self cleaning oven. It was obnoxious. I was sure that chicken had tipped or something and we would be having PB&J for dinner tonight.

By tonight I really mean maybe forever because fancy 2 oven ranges are expensive and I am, as I mentioned, a mom aka cash poor.

While I’m running worst case scenarios in my head she had beat me to the kitchen. She opened the lower oven to show me there was no fire …. to prove somehow she had been fine to ignore the initial smoke and smell of burnt cheese on the oven floor.

*I assume the last batch of pizzas spilled over in there, not that I would know it was burnt cheese since nobody mentioned it.

So by now I see the chicken looks fine, perfectly placed and roasting casually. No need to fight over who gets the last of the good jelly or who has to have the butt end of the bread.

Crisis averted.

The house smells weird and I still have surgery tomorrow but it could be worse.

It could be way worse.

I could be dying. I could be a cancer victim and not a survivor.

I am grateful for stinky smells, family dinners and if my family is in a good mood, even for the last of the good jelly.

It’s good to be a mom.

It’s good to be a wife.

It’s good to be alive.

Pride. You’ve got it or you don’t.

Yesterday was the Pride festival for Asheville, North Carolina and it was held in beautiful Pack Square Park. We call it home, lots of people call it a vacation destination nestled in Western North Carolina.

We arrived early’ish in the day. It was gorgeous, partly sunny and warm enough to need a little shade but not shorts. The perfect early fall day in the south.

We wore our newly purchased, just for this event, matching t-shirts and held hands as we strolled. You can say we looked super gay but that was the theme. We were headed to Pride after all.

We walked past a few screaming protestors at the festival line. Each shouting ridiculous things about lesbians and something about children. While I know a lot about both I had better things to do than correct them.

I stared quietly, hoping that what I heard about how looks could kill was correct. It seems it wasn’t as none of the preaching, sign holding annonces dropped to the ground.

I passed  by wondering what compels someone to throw that much hate at such a peaceful, colorful group of people in the middle of a city.

Even though extra security was evident, it didn’t take long to forget those sign holding screaming lunatics were even We received so many kind words, thumbs up and sweet compliments on our matching ensemble. It was delightful to be noticed for our love (literally!) in a way much different than the usual stares and glares we get out and about in society sometimes.

There were white tented booths in the park, each with a mission to sell us something whether it be a hand craft, some rainbow colored something or an agenda of some sort.

I would say I wasn’t buying … but who am I kidding. I wanted to soak it all in. I was proud to be there and proud of the businesses who came out to show their support. It was amazing.

I stopped at nearly all 100 or so booths. I picked up beads, sampled wine, picked up more beads, scored some colorful sun glasses, signed up to win stuff, gave to charity, listened to people talk about their organization and bought some cool lesbian swag from local vendors.

We had a couple beers, met up with old friends and watched some people dance.

Watched some people try to dance that is.

We listened to a local drum circle and a group of guys singing their hearts out. We watched “Cher” give a spectacular performance, some Drag Royalty delicately balance crowns the size of Buicks on their heads and some scantily clad performers high kick their way to tips from the crowd.

There were cheers and applause from a park full of people.

So much talent and so much self esteem. Get it girl.

 

Everyone there in unity and rainbow colors in spite of controversial legislation, a nauseating political race, and so shortly after a mass shooting of people just like us … a massacre for simply being proud of who they were.

 

Thank you TD Bank!

 

 

There were speeches and heartfelt pleas to be kind to one another. There is certainly more than enough hate in the world without us attacking each other. There was talk about repealing the stupid bathroom bill – also known as HB2. If you don’t know about HB2 read up here. Basically it means that you are required by law to use the bathroom designated by your birth gender. This doesn’t really mean a change in my life but it could for many, many others and quite unfairly.

None of that kept the community from celebration. It was a great day.

A beautiful, sun shining, peaceful day.

It meant a great deal for us to be there, to represent, to be counted in a community so united yet sometimes just as divided.. The festival in Asheville was held in Pack Square Park right in front of City Hall. I am super blessed to have my life here, my wife and my kids and my friends.

Please, if you have the opportunity, show your love and support.

It matters. You matter. Be counted.

Be present. Be proud.

Have pride in yourself as a member or as an ally to the community.

 

 

Pride Swag. $10 well spent.

 

In a world full of strangers

Everything you have read from me has been hilarious.

Fine, it was at least funny in parts.

I try to be light hearted as much as possible. No matter what. Anything to make the next day better. Sarcasm helps.

Some days though … there is no strength left for better.

Some days it just feels like I’m dragging around a body. Just posing my limbs throughout the day like a stylish department store clothing display. Moving my mouth to form words in such a way that to call it interacting with society would be a generous stretch.

I’m in autopilot and I’m surrounded by strangers. Overwhelmed, emotionally exhausted, dramatically desperate.

I left the doctor today with strange news. There is a major malfunction in my body but it is fixable. Correctable once the source of the problem has been diagnosed. Probably. Hopefully.

Great news, right? No.

I like to be in control. It’s what I do. It’s who I am. I am great at being in control. I mean it’s not like I land airplanes for a living but I direct and reflect trouble like a boss.

Except now. Right now I am all alone. I am broken. I don’t want to share the pits of my despair with anyone in particular. I don’t want to pour my story onto a white page to be discovered by strangers.

Actually. Yes. Yes, I do. I want to share my story. It’s not always witty and entertaining. Sometimes it’s sad and raw and real.

The entirety of the situation is rather embarrassing really.

That makes me sad.
Or mad.
Not gangster style mad though … more like blogger mad. Instead of roughing up the rivals I will take to my blog and punch the keys with intent. That’s right, the sound of my typing can probably be heard from outside the house.
I’m an angry typer.

It’s been a tough couple weeks. I have not blogged purposely because I didn’t want to share sad. Sad isn’t witty or funny or entertaining. It’s just … sad.

Not very long ago I watched my children walk with contained excitement onto an airplane destined for the other side of the country. To be delivered to the other half of their parental unit. They couldn’t wait to find their seats and I panicked when I lost sight down the airplane corridor.

I cried on the way home.
I lost control.

I will miss them. They are gone for a few more weeks. If they need me I won’t be there. I don’t know what to do with that. How do parents do this? Why is this a thing?

Yes, they are safe.
Yes, they are healthy and happy and having a blast.
Yes, I’m still crying.
So what.

Also entirely out of my control?

My marriage. My beautiful, amazing, brag worthy and public love letter inspiring union.
What could be so bad about that? My fairy tale is made of regular everyday normal people, that’s what. People who sometimes reach a crossroads. I have no control over the depths of my love and just the same seemingly no control over the limits of human patience. My carriage may have turned into a pumpkin. No fairy godmother, just humble pie. Good thing I still believe in happy endings.

Sometimes you just want to go where nobody knows your name. Where you are surrounded by strangers. Where you only need to be in control of you.

I need to be reminded that the world still turns, the sun still rises and the moon will still beckon to the lost souls. Even if I get lost in the crowd. Even if I get lost and have to relinquish my control.

Sometimes I just need to be in a world full of strangers.
with my humble pie.
a glass of wine would be great too.

I’m ready for another vacation … please

I’m back!

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My love.

Okay. I’ve been back for a few days.
It doesn’t look much like it though.

I still have half packed suitcases. Several in my bedroom, each opened and rifled through, with random colorful articles hanging half in and half out into the floor. One would think I am living out of them. One would be mostly right.

It’s not that I’m lazy, it’s that I still don’t have that hand maiden / personal assistant / volunteer slave I’ve been asking for.

I’m really busy catching up on my shows on the DVR, deleting voice mails and dragging myself back to work. Ironically I’m doing the same thing there, deleting more emails and cleaning out my email inbox trying to catch up on work gossip.

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I simply don’t have time to unpack and clean up after myself let alone my family. There should be vacation time after a vacation just to pull yourself together. A few days maybe to detox your liver and unpack. Time to hang up all your flowered shirts to the back of the closet again, and to wash and put away display proudly all those obscenely large souvenir drink glasses.

All this vacation crap. I need to do something with it besides ignore it and take a nap.

It’s a glamorous life I’m living.
We are approaching day 5 of post vacation and I had to pull my sandals from a pile of rumpled tee shirts declaring a successful Daytona trip from the bottom of a sandy suitcase.

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We definitely brought some sand back with our suitcases, gear and souvenirs.

Just add it to the normal house clutter we left when we exited the house to go on vacation in the first place.

The clutter that still needs to be cleaned up from 2 last weeks ago. I don’t know where it all came from.

The sand I mean. I’ve got an idea about the clutter.

We rinsed and shook and otherwise left enough sand in and around the hotel that I was sure we weren’t bringing any back.

Now I see I was wrong. So wrong. So very wrong.
The dust bunnies are building sand castles in the corners of the stairwell.

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There are still clothes to be unpacked and washed. The beach gear is still in the front room, stacked in a corner. It will continue to wait, either be put away or carried back to the car for the next trip. Chances are it will still be there for next time.

You wouldn’t know I took a week in the gorgeous sun, day drinking on the beach and crashing pool parties by night.

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except for the dark circles under my eyes

and the tell-tale peeling of my sun burned shoulders

Cardigans over my summer dresses and some concealer under my eyes. Working magic over here.  I look tan, refreshed and pulled together. Except for the fact I’m talking to myself about the fact that I’m still mess under this disguise.

Being a woman is sorta awesome, you can go from ship wrecked and floating on a board for weeks to paparazzi ready in about 10 minutes. or 30.

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If only I could use my magical woman powers to clean this vacation mess. If anyone has any post vacation tips to share I would appreciate it.

Feel free to leave your comments, I will either mock you or sing your praise.
It’s a 50/50 gamble.

Kinda like finding my favorite shorts in one of these suitcases …

This should answer your questions …

$RSU5L81

My stats because everyone seems to to want to know:

Age: Old enough to know better.

  • 30 something

Marital Status: Married.

  • Happily

Sex: Yes please.

  • Female

Sexual Orientation: None of your business!

  • Lesbian

Kids: Yes. Yes, from my womb.

  • a girl and a boy who live at home and eat all my food

Pets: Yes.

  • Dogs. 2 pits, 1 precious mini dachshund  and 1 asshole poodle schnauzer mix
  • Cats. 2 or 3 or 7 I don’t know anymore. We live in the woods and they just show up for kitty kibble.
  • Fish. Indoor and out. Plus a desk fish – because every office needs one.

Diet: Sometimes.

  • Rich in carbohydrates, beer and sugar

Location: Mountains.

  • Western North Carolina for work, Eastern NC, SC, FL for play. Unless you have a beach house elsewhere then we should be friends. I need more friends with beach houses. Or a friend with a beach house. Whatever.

Occupation: Management level calmer downer and advocate of your e-commerce experience at large

  • I don’t know what that means either. No day is ever the same.
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Naturally.