My one, my truth, my reason for idiotic bliss. I cherish this, your birthday as I have the others who have come before with as much awe and honor as I ever have.
You never cease to amaze me as we grow older, year by year and side by side.
The first birthday we shared I brought you the wrong gift but with all the right intention. You were so sweet about it all, I was embarrassed but glad to be with you.
My crush weighed so heavily on my brain I could barely remember to wrap your gifts.
Since your last birthday we never spent a night alone. You were next to me for cake and ice cream, for laughing until we cried and for beer on beaches. For every sweet moment in between.
My crush still weighs heavily and at times I can barely speak.
Sometimes it is all I can do, I stare in wonder and amazement that you are here with me. No miles to distance us. No goodbye need ever be long.
I am honored to spend this day, the birthdays previous and the days to come celebrating you. Your laugh and your smile. Your kindness and your generosity. Your strength and your courage. I admire you.
I am in awe of your ability to tackle anything that comes our way with strength and wisdom. You surprise me each passing year with your passion and commitment to our little family. I am moved by your beautiful gaze and am transported by your touch.
My pride, my lover, my best friend and my destiny. I have never been more grateful to be in your company.
3 years ago I wrote and sent an email to my soon to be legally wed wife. It was an emotional and exciting time and the biggest day of our life together to date.
As we celebrate this anniversary I wanted to share that originsl very personal email here. I do so with her blessing.
Enjoy.
We are getting married …. today. Not tomorrow or next week. Today.
I was not sure this day would ever make it here or that we would be ready when it did. Over the last few days as we patiently (and equally at times, not so patiently) watched the countdown timer tick away, I tried to think of the perfect wedding gift. I thought of a million things but nothing seemed right until I went back, all the way back to our beginning.
Do you remember how we started? It was an email, simple words typed and delivered digitally but neither of us could have know what was actually taking place.
It was never just words, never just an email, and neither is this one.
I decided to write you an email for your wedding gift, I know what you are thinking, that you didn’t get me a gift. The truth is you did, I have you, a lifetime with you is the greatest gift I could imagine. You are my whole world. I hope this reaches you with as much joy and surprise as the first one did.
I hope that every message you ever get makes you smile but this one especially I want to be like the first. All the anticipation, the joy, the flips in your belly, all the wonders of sweet enchantment.
Everyday is another chance to make sure you know how much I love you, adore you, need and want you. I don’t want a single day to pass in our marriage that I don’t remind you. Starting with the first.
I am not sure what I would do without you, I don’t want to know a life without you in it. So when we say our vows later today, know that I mean every word of them. Take it all in, just like you did in the beginning. Let your mind replay them over and over just like we read each others emails and texts … over and over again. You are truly my best friend, the perfect lover and the person I want to share idiotic bliss.
I cheated on sunshine today. She’s been away for a while now anyway.
Lately she’s just been … kinda cold.
I’ve missed her so … her warm rays touching my skin. Warming my bare legs and kissing my cheeks, shoulders and neck.
She was no good for me though, I was burned more than once.
I should have known.
I spent so many days in her embrace, lounging in her abundant attention. We beached, we floated the river, we visited amusement parks and we cruised the highway together.
I was true to her. I dared not enter the gym for months. I spent all of my free time encompassed within her rays.The time has come though, I had to go back. I was welcomed although my body protested to turn back time, back to our lazy summer affair.
I will mourn our breakup with leggings, boots and sweaters. I will try to find joy in the changing scenery. I will try not to notice how beautifully the reds, yellows and golden hues in the trees complement my still bronzed skin.
I will try not to mind the pumpkin spice in the air and the crisp coolness that makes bonfires so enticing.
I will try.
I will try not to miss sunshine until she comes back to me. After all it really is just a matter of time.
Remember the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland freaking out about the time? Yeah. Put that bunny in a red curly wig and a sundress and that’s me.
Just add a red curly hair.
It’s almost our first anniversary.
Seriously.
One whole year since we became wife and wife.
A whole freaking year of ups and downs and all arounds. We danced around the “for richer or poorer” and all those traditional vows whether we said them or not. It hasn’t been easy but it has gone fast and if I could do it all over again I would. Except slower, and I would have started blogging about way sooner. All the good and the bad and unbelievable love.
All the things marriage is. It all came around in our very first year.
Now it’s time we celebrate that we lasted this long. It’s just an anniversary but it’s a big one. People will be cashing in on the bets they placed 12 months ago kinda big. Giggle if you will, the odds for a big payout were probably great if we made it. We love hard and we fight like someone will have to stop breathing before it can be over. Ok, not really, but it has been close.
She will be expecting something super romantic and I will be expecting something sweet and heart-felt. What neither of us is expecting is to run out of time and it’s ticking on.
We never do anything small. If you have followed my blog to date you may have glimpsed what married life is like on the inside. Gift giving is a major task. We go big around here.
I’ve requested the advice of co-workers and I’ve googled “first anniversary” and nothing jumped out. Just paper stuff. Sometimes really expensive paper stuff. I am all about some sentimental names on canvas but that isn’t her and therefor isn’t us. Tricky territory. This anniversary thing is almost worse than the ridiculous wedding markup. If it says wedding or anniversary you’re going to pay triple. True story.
I tried to search “first gay anniversary” thinking that might bring me to something unique but personable but still nothing. Well nothing G rated and appropriate for sharing. I did get some ideas though. We will see what she thinks after I present her the anniversary gift of all gifts. If she hates it I will keep those search results for a plan B. Always good to have a plan B. tick tock tick tock … running out of time.
and ideas.
running out of what little sanity I was holding onto.
I can’t get a re-do on the very first celebratory year of marriage. It almost feels like getting married again. I’m so nervous. Not “what if I don’t fit in my wedding dress” nervous. I can still eat pizza. The kind of nervous that compels me to wonder what happens if this doesn’t turn out as beautiful and magical as I planned. That kind of nervous.
Time waster. I love it still.
I’ve looked at Pinterest and still nothing. Unless I want to spend a day making paper dolls of each of us with materials I will need to hunt down in a craft store.
The problem is I am neither crafty nor patient enough for anything on Pinterest.
and it makes me hungry.
Has anyone ever actually browsed pins and not been bombarded by super fanciful flower adorned cupcakes and exotically named smoothie drinks? each served in cute mason jars sorted by size and color? sitting neatly on a handmade shelf of reclaimed wood?
Seriously.
I’ve got no time for funny pictures of kittens and recipes I will never make.
I need an idea. I need to get creative.
Maybe a giant glued together construction paper card with glitter and pop up hearts like a toddler’s first book about dinosaurs. That sounds like a lot of work though.
Back to the drawing board. By which I mean the internet.
Once in a while things go perfectly right and you thank your lucky stars. Everything just falls into place so perfectly and you just know it couldn’t get any better.
Yeah, that has never happened to me. I do thank my lucky stars though for 2nd chances.
Or 3rd. But who’s counting anyway.
The point is right now I really don’t know if things could get better for my deepest sincere desire to love and be loved. I want to shout from the rooftop or write in the sky. I want to let the world know what she already does.
I am ridiculously, head over heels, shamelessly in love.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not reminded of my own feelings. Even on our darkest days I can’t deny that I have never in my life had someone give me butterflies, even now, like I experienced day one with her.
There was a time I was absurdly sure we were not going to make it. I was broken in a way I have never felt. It didn’t take me long to realize that inability to walk away was the truest, most honest form of love. It was brutal.
We worked hard to work it out and I realized that I never wanted to let her go. I knew then that nothing would ever be stronger than we could be, together. I knew even in my bravest moment I am that much stronger with her at my side.
I was sure I had fallen in love a million times, it’s who I am.
I never knew though that real, true lasting love is a secret combination.
It’s not something for now, it’s not just a trend. It can not be defined in words and it changes as we grow. I have tried to figure it out, how it is that this feels so different. The recipe is still in the works. I know this for sure though; you need laughter, honesty, respect, patience, understanding and a healthy dose of lust for good measure.
I am incredibly lucky to have found this with her. Incredibly grateful she chose me, that she chose us.
She is my one. She is every love song ever played, every poem ever read and every promise ever whispered.
She is my idiotic bliss and I am forever grateful.
It’s a fair question and I am going to do my very best to answer it for you.
It all started a little over 2 years ago when I met the woman who would be my wife. It hasn’t been easy, because nothing ever is when you add in real life. Someone asked me once what it meant and I said very confidently “It’s love. It’s our love” and that it is.
This was our first ever photo together. Still my favorite!
Although the original written phrase and context has since been lost, I can assure you the first time I wrote the words “Idiotic Bliss” they seemed to magically fit. It all made perfect sense and has stuck since, literally.
I wish I had kept all the messages that started it all, the emails, texts and voice mails. Sadly that was several technological advances ago and they have all been lost in broken phones and fried hard drives.
We started out long distance but several thousand (million, gazillion?) messages later we were inseparable. Mostly. It has been a long and sometimes rocky road. We are both stubborn and we can both be a little hard to live with. However, we meant it when we said “we do” and as a couple we are in it for the long haul. Mostly, but not always, at the same time. We aren’t perfect and I’m not afraid to be imperfect. That’s what the “idiotic” is all about after all.
The “bliss” is just that. It is the motto of our marriage, it’s the title of our story. It is the definition of our family and of our lives. It works for us and if you have ever been deeply and truly in love, idiotic bliss has probably worked for you too.
My pride, my lover, my best friend and my destiny. I have never been more grateful to be in your company.
My Idiotic Bliss 